It’s been a hot minute since I wrote a blog post - mostly because I was at a loss for words. Between the pandemic/shutdown starting to really get to me and the heaviness of the Black Lives Matter movement (couple that with private personal matters), it just didn’t feel like the ‘right time’ to share my voice. I mean what in the world could I possibly have to add to the conversation? At least, that’s what my mind was saying. But after sitting in reflection, I reminded myself that I set out on a journey to share my adventure in motherhood, even if it wasn’t perfect or pretty or upbeat. Life isn’t alway rosy. There will be times of challenge - this is where growth happens. In order to stay true to my mission of being authentic and honest, it’s about time I share a little of where I am at.
I have touched on Racism and what I am trying to do to check my privilege, learn more, and do better on my Instagram platform. I have also committed to this being a long term subject that will be revisited many times over the foreseeable future as sustainable change will not be made over the course of a day, a week, or a month. It’s especially important in the role I play as a mother. It’s up to me, and Samir, to teach our Lola about race and building an equal future for all. It’s not enough to tout that I am one half of a biracial relationship or an interfaith marriage. While we have our own set of challenges, I still bring my worldview filtered through the lens of a privileged white woman in Canada. I have my own set of unconscious, and if I am being honest, conscious bias. While its extremely uncomfortable to sit in that recognition of bias, if there is one thing I have learned since the death of George Floyd, this is where the change begins.
I can’t tell you how many times in the past couple weeks I have challenging thoughts on how we speak in our home. Could we have used different, more tolerant and inclusive, language? Is this the language we want Lola to use? Were I thought we were doing an ok job, I have decided it’s not enough to just be ‘ok’.
I don’t have all the answers on how we will do better. All I know is that I am on a mission to educate myself as much as I can, grow as much as I can, and learn from my mistakes as much as I can.
We are in the third month of Samir working from our dining room table, our activities being cancelled, and socially distancing from all our friends and family. I feel like this last month has been the hardest and my mood took a big plunge. I know my situation is not unique. So many people feel the same as me. I miss my friends. I miss taking Lola on playdates, the library, swimming, and so much more. I missed out on newborn snuggles with my two of my nephews because of a canceled trip out east. I miss the gym. I miss wandering the mall. And I miss hugs.
Because I felt so negative, I felt like a fake posting anything and that’s just not my vibe.
As things in Alberta, and all over Canada, begin to return some form of normal, I feel excited and nervous at the same time. The overwhelming fear of bringing the virus home to my loved ones out of my selfish need for normality weighs heavily on my mind. What is the balance between safety and economic stability? I certainly do not have the answers! I have taken the approach of taking everything day by day and evaluating my comfort level in the moment. We decided to go to the mall last weekend as a family, and while I was nervous the whole time, I have to say it was really refreshing. To get out of the house other than to go for a drive felt amazing! I am looking forward to slowly doing more things like this as time goes on. Samir has even had the go ahead to work in the office one or two days a week. As much as this terrifies me, him on public transportation, I can’t help but feel like our marriage needs a little separation time (please tell me I am not the only one!).
I see the light at the end of tunnel and I am focused on that!
When we found out we were pregnant with Lola, we made the decision to make the condo work for as long as possible. When we made this commitment, we clearly did not plan for a global pandemic forcing us to spend every waking moment together in our 900 sq ft condo.
With interest rates plummeting and a slump in the housing market, I personally felt bad that we were about to capitalize on what is probably a tough situation for those trying to sell. But, we needed to find a way to get more space and purchasing our first family home seemed to be the best way to go about that. So we set out on a quest to find the next place to call home - and we found it!
We currently have a conditional offer on a home in our dream location. If everything goes well, then we will take possession in late July. Stay tuned on the blog for home content galore! I cannot wait to make this house feel like home!
I have only touched on three items that have happening but, as everyone knows, there’s always much more going on than meets the eye. I know I'm not alone when I say I was starting to feel burnt out and emotionally spent. However, in the last week I have felt a change shifting and my mood lifting (which might have something to do with finally getting a haircut!).
We have so much to look forward to including Lola turning one, experiencing summer with a toddler, and moving into our new home. We have easing restrictions and more social (and responsible) gatherings with friends and family to keep us going.
I hope everyone is staying healthy and well. I’m so glad you decided to stick with me even in my absence! I am looking forward to sharing much more of what life is like for this Mommy on Fire and getting back to posting regularly!