Nothing inherently wrong happened during the day. There wasn't a massive blow out or spilled breast milk or hours of crying. We got errands done, did a few chores, and of coursed played together. Lola had two good naps and her teeth weren't bugging her (finally). But something inside of me, around 3 pm today, just starting growing.
It started when Lola refused her last nap of the day. Instead we spent it with me rocking her and her mauling my face with her fingernails that badly need to be trimmed. I gave up after about 30 minutes and a bunch of newly acquired scratches on my face. I actually went through this whole process again 20 minutes later when Lola wouldn't stop whining (because now she is over tired) to no avail. Now its 4:15 and I am trying to call Samir... he's got to be leaving the office soon right? He doesn't answer. Then I text him and he tells me he isn't even leaving the office until 5:30.
Thats when the thing inside me grows even more. Maybe its that I'm tired because I don't go to bed early enough. Maybe its because its Friday and its been a long week alone at home with Lola - who knows right now. All I know is that this knowledge of knowing I'm on my own until after Lola's bath has me worked up.
Fast forward a couple hours later and I have somehow found myself sitting in my car eating dinner in a random parking lot close to our house. Samir and I had an argument and I just didn't want to be surrounded by all of it - even if I had no where to go. So the parking lot it was - what a raging Friday night for me!
As I was sitting in the car, contemplating how I got to this point, so many thoughts came to me. Did needing a break from it all make me a bad mom? A bad wife? Why am I feeling an overwhelming amount of guilt for how frustrated I was at the thought of doing another bath by myself. Why am I the only one who feels this way? That feeling that was growing inside of me was front and centre, staring me down like a deer caught in my headlights.
That is what prompted me to write this. I CAN'T be the only mom who feels this way! I can't be the only mom who just wants a moment, in their car, where no one needs anything from them. Where its ok to be angry or frustrated. Its ok to process your emotions or just veg on your phone. I was joking with some other moms that our partners get to do this every morning when they take 45 minutes to go to the washroom! Seriously though, how long does it take you to poop? I know I am a better mom to Lola if I am able to have time to myself (obviously in small chunks, she ain't letting me go too long). I am a better wife if I can step away, process my feelings, and come back better equipped to have a productive conversation with my husband.
So if you're a mom or wife who finds themselves in your car in a random parking lot on a Friday night, just know you're not alone. You're not crazy. I'm probably sitting in my car two spots down from you!